Hiccup, Bless You, Thanks.

Life full speed as an untreated Aspie is chaos at its best. I can be very A.D.D. like: I’m here, I’m there, catch me, catch me, if you please.

Fart. Burp. Sneeze.


Its simi-thought-out and serves a purpose. I may not always be able to tell you how it’s useful but to me it’s all useful if I cared enough to master or tackle the sparkly things that catch my eye.

My man friend or somewhat partner in crime likes to joke with me about sex or lack of sex once a month. He heard a joke from one of the Blue Collar Comedy men that included a bit about not closing the entire amusement park because one ride is not functioning and he stands outside the gate saying well the log ride works… So yeah he took the line and every month he asks, sort of jokingly, if the log ride is open. Well this month I took him for a ride. Not the ride he was expecting but I let him know that the part was not closed.


That’s right. I’m not broken. No maintenance was being performed. My ride was functioning perfectly fine, thank you.

WHAT! He exclaimed wondering why I had not started my period yet. I could hear the squirmy fear in his voice like, oh fuck are you pregnant?! Ahahaha on a side note: it’s fucking funny watching a guy squirm with that thought. Like they cared when they busted and it’s not like they are going to have anywhere near the consistences from it as, ahem , SHE would! Reason 4,286,978 why men suck! Joking, well… sort of.

Well I was on my period but a period is just part of everyday life for us. One week out of every fucking month we deal with it. Learning that I’m an Aspie, for lack of better term, has explained many why’s for me. One of those is why I have so many sensory issues. Like touch and taste which play a HUGE HUGE HUGE role in sex.

Well dear, I do not like the texture or taste that you cock leaves in my mouth. It also leaves my mouth and lips feeling itchy and somewhat hurts for lack of other words to explain. No offense to you. All cocks are yucky to me.

* I assume he will scratch his head and wonder why I have willingly done this in the past.*

Yes dear, just like every other thing I do… it was a process that involved me hyper focusing, researching, and really getting into my obsessive topic. I’m sorry you were just a temporary obsession…. Like every other topic, I got board and my true non-excited feelings flooded the fun and it became problematic once again.

You see I’m only in the mood to taste and feel your cock with my mouth when

I’M IN THE MOOD. It takes a lot and it’s pretty much rare like when the sun, moon, and stars line up, just so. It’s one of those take it or leave it things. So if I go down there, just be happy and enjoy while it lasts! Feeling forced or pressured makes me turned off – in other sexual ways. So that wouldn’t be wise. It would be one of those things I’d shut down for, you’d get once and never again, and wonder where I went and where the hell I took all the sex, ya know! 😉

So back on topic. Periods are not an out of order sign. I like to get off too. I’m okay with you not wanting to have sex when I’m on my period but to suggest I please you because I’m yucky is rather yucky too. It makes me feel like I need to watch my back and guard my heart. I feel like if I do it I’ll end up shutdown and both of us unhappy in the long run. Or I don’t… Then you stray off.

I’m sure its probably my past variances biting me in the ass for being on the spectrum and trusting people I should not have trusted. But to me it has to be complex and much deeper and better thought out for all the outcomes.

I don’t want him to not tell me things but to understand I’m all about pleasing him, when I can. I don’t want him to be uncomfortable, pleasing me. Which is a big thought for me that is not a natural human feeling it has been self tough and always takes me some self reminding to consistently keep. So I expect this in return, exotically since I’m aware this is a totally natural born with human trait he was born with. If I can do it then so can he! 🙂

So I can’t suck your cock today I can have sex with you. But you think its yucky!

I teased him after he said it was gross and questioned (jokingly) how the fuck he could be a man, play in mud, get all dirty and yucky and a little period could gross him out so much!

So he went to work and asked his friend. The following day he asked me if the log ride is open. Nope its not but the rest of the park is, I said. He looked sad and said he asked his friend at work about that.

And I give a fuck about your friend why? I’m not fucking him! 😛

He told me his friend said he would consider it if he was horny BUT probabl

y not in the bed or anything. He said for sure in the shower. My guy said he agreed but his woman wouldn’t do it in the shower, she (meaning me) only likes get in wash and get out.

OK this makes me laugh my ass off. So yeah its sort of true. I do get in, wash, and get out. Don’t we all?

I don’t know what thing… but its a thing. Its sameness an order, something about its not in the rules to do that, mixed with sensory issues. Sex in the shower is distracting in a bad way. My face gets wet and water in my eyes will bother me. I do not normally complain about these. I’m a grown up and it’s whining at my age to even say them… BUT at the same time I dislike them so much I avoid them at  all cost. I my showers and being wet need to be controlled or I’m physically unhappy and causing me to be mentally unhappy. How can I be sexually happy when so much unhappy is going on in the shower!?! It’s funny and pathetic but it is what it is!

Oh and my new hyper focus obsession, for now anyway, is RH negative blood type. Amazing!


Pretty Much

Pretty Much

This is what life is like pretty much from Homer and I! Except he’s the woman and I’m the man… :/


Somedays I feel sad, down, or just disconnected in general, for no apparent reason. My anxiety roars inside my body and feels me with feelings that I can not fully link with words. Other than feeling claustrophobic and stuck somewhere for far too long.

I do not know why I feel this way from time to time. It’s much too often than I would like… I do know that it makes me feel hopeless, pathetic, and confined, along with many other not so great feelings… 

The anxiety keeps me sheltered a lot. The pending shutdowns keep me adventuring in to unknown public places too often. I know being an “Aspie” if that’s what you’d call it… I’m doomed for a shut down following too much public exposure. 

Info: What is a shut-down? What happens during a shutdown?

Once I face too many dislikes, not all dislikes, just some… particularly public exposure, socializing in person, going someplace chaotic (such as a store, subway, best buy, restaurants, a club or bar… etc. Lots of people talking, many things happening, socializing and being expected to behave normal, to remember all the rules and polite things and rude (never say) things, looking at people in the eye, or at least fake them out…. This kind of shit makes me feel crazy tired. Not sleepy, tired…. Just flat out mentally drained, Big fuck you I’m out. Although sometimes I do need to nap I generally just “shut down.”

Shutting down can happen at any time but I tend to only do it when I feel comfortable in my own home or environment. I do not need an OK to shut down… its going to happen regardless. I zone out, hyper-focus on something that soothes me, like numbers, patterns, visuals, did I say patterns? Dot i’s cross t’s! This time serves one purpose and that’s refreshing myself. I’m not productive although I maybe doing slavant things. My time is out of whack completely. For me time moves very slowly. An hour is like 5 minutes. The rest of the world is on fast forward. I notice very little but I do get glimpses during my shutdowns.

If my shutdown is not effective or someone bugged the shit out of me during one. I am extremely frustrated. It’s an awkward feeling. I tell my children not to throw tantrum tantrums yet I’m having a full blown mental one. I attempt to conceal it and think I do fairly well… But on the inside and outside I really have urges that are hard as hell to beat… I want to kick stuff and throw things. I want to paint the walls and run and throw myself on the floor. Slap some faces, kick some cars… Smash the chaos, yell, scream, do whatever…. Its a chaos feeling that I can not tolerate. It’s unbearable at times. Although its not an existing thing. It hurts somehow…. although “hurt” is not the proper word but I don’t know what is. 

I can have mini shutdowns anywhere. This is where my sole leaves my body but does not drift far. it kind of hovers over me or just beside me… I’m not totally on autopilot – but I’m near so. 

I slow down. I do not see details. My answers and reactions are extremely slow. I appear stupid or rude. My brain does not retain as much detail. I feel at risk or like I’m in danger but not. It’s more so an animal like urge to get the fuck out of wherever I’m at… 

I do feel like a prisoner within myself. I’m not a productive person. I can do things but none of those things are income worthy. So I feel stuck. I feel helpless, like a child. None of this helps me any. 

I know big downer right now. I don’t like this part of me. THank god it never last long. Some of the stuff lasts but it won’t keep me down as much… out of sight, out of mind?! 🙂 

Ahhh and the duct tape on my mouth preventing me from speaking more… Man I’m so screwed up! But I’m able  to fake it so that I just look normal enough to be a weird – but that has no validation of being truly nuts but clearly not normal!  

It's funny how when you FINALLY get over someone. You start seeing them in a whole new perspective.

It’s funny how when you FINALLY get over someone. You start seeing them in a whole new perspective.

Man up and keep your woman

One of my new favorite blogs, Judgy Bitch, directed me to the Facebook page of Gerald Rodgers, in her recent post “Advice for women who don’t want to get divorced.

Gerald Rogers via Facebook says:


Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

Great this guy is divorced. Love is “loved” as in pas-tense.

How could this be advice. Unless the first thing is: Don’t listen to me. The end.

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted.

When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

Ok so he knew something. I’m willing to bet the rest will not be so great.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife.

Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

Ahhh ok I get it now, this advice is more like don’t be an ass like me and throw it all away. It’s too late for me but you have time… kinda list.

Well I must say, as a woman, this is actually great advice! But who the fuck am I other than the center of my own little world!

Women tend to be sort of jealous and want to keep their man. But the moment you step over the line with another woman, um well, in her space, with her man, and her mans heart…

Wifey crosses the line from jealous insecurities… to physco-bitch (2 seconds flat) that throws all your shit out, takes what’s rightfully hers, ahem everything, including your heart. If you are lucky she won’t hurt it too much before she throws it out too.

So like cute internet images would say: Life’s short – ain’t nobody got time fo da shit!

Somebody will love your wifey, if you don’t.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.

You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday.

SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back.

Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

Ok ladies, if your man is doing these… you also have a responsibility return the same effort to your man. This sounds like advice of a damn good man, as long as he is actually doing them…

Sure we can float through life… changing… doing what we want…. when we feel like it..

But this guy is right. We change. You and your hubby will too!

You can choose to do what you want. But the best-worse case is:

You just can’t stand the shit your hubby does, you stumble through life – like normal and find another guy. I guy that makes you question what you see in your hubby.

You still have to work and fall in love with him. Build up trust. Find things you have in common. Set the deal breaker rules. Trip and fall. Get hurt, kiss and make up. Hurt the current hubby, probably the kids, spend lots of money, loosing everything you know and love, the cars, the house, the dog, the neighborhood close to the beach with the best view in the neighborhood, including some friends…. The other guy probably has an ex and a couple kids, you’ll have to learn to get along with them. One of them will surely hate you and plot shit against you. You will never be number one to the guy, he will always pick the lying spawn potty mouth teen him and his ex created. Best of all, if you are luck the little liar will not live with you and your new man will be paying his ex half his paychecks so the emo baster can live life better than you.

All that, just to go through a painful loose-loose divorce and marry the other guy. Why not put the effort into the first hubby that you have a history with. Yes change happens. If it didn’t we would be board. Help change it to what YOU like as well. And if you choose the newer, fun option and divorce and remarry… you will still change and so will the new guy. So just do what you promised when you got married and love your hubby and find new ways to love the new him!

[Unless he is a douche and not following this dudes advice.. In that case go for it!]


Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.

Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

The trick your brain – thingy.

It works with most people. If your partner is a fuck face though they will be looking at you the same. I hate when he/she does this. What a fucker I wish… As long as it didn’t get to this bitter point. The other will likely notice the change and in return do more of what pleases you. Humans love rewards and we respond well to them again, and more often. So he/she will also start thinking and acting in the same way.

Sort of like when you smile at someone… then they will notice and smile at the next frowny face sole walking down the street… before long the midweek, hump day, is seeming like a pleasant day all because your smile was contagious.

Of course their is always one asshole that will flip the bird at the sky and not be affected by the smiling sunshine hump-day and the cycle will end. But it’s life keep doing what (good) you are doing… life has a way to make it all work out in the end.


your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

I pretty much tell my kids this. You can’t change someone. You are a  person and they are a person. Both of you control yourself and not each other. You can not change someone. I as your mother can not MAKE you CHANGE your mind on playing with your sister. I can tell you that if you are not kind you will loose this or that for the day or maybe even, I’ll give you a chance to earn these – but never change or make. Those toy with the human inability to successfully complete. It’s just something that can’t be done. Except it and you’ll be a happier, less frustrated person.

If someone is in your presents make the best of them. Find what you do like and focus on that. But the other out of sight out of mind. If its that bothersome. Excuse yourself until the distressful behavior is more likable and enjoyable to you.

This does not mean walk out of the relationship. Just find another room to do something to take your mind off whatever you do not like.

As long as you did not fall in love with a bitch, and you didn’t convert her into one by your actions… you likely will not have that problem. But I’m sure it could happen but again I would think someone would have caused it over the years. So perhaps you eat what you sew or what ever that is… hahaha!

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad.

You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

This is very true. For anyone.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility.

When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Not so sure what this guys issues were but it sounds like he figured out the problem was him much better than any I’m sorry! For me anyway!

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean.

The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you…

DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

Her feelings are not always about YOU. But the fact that you are part of her she wants you to be a part of her and share those emotions with you. You are her best friend. Her soul mate. Her better half! She values you… don’t walk away. Think about how you would feel pouring your all out – and someone walked away…


don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

😀 Girls wanna have fun. Laughter is the map to most women’s key to their heart. Laughter alone will not get you inside but it will show you the way!


learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED.

Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

Women make the list and ask him for his also!!


Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

Let me add that this time should never be about sex. She is much more than sex. If she is like me she will void out the entire event if you swoop in for sex. If she instigates it – its fair! (Humans like rewards, we know you want sex all the time. Just once show us you can really be with us, be happy, and sex not have to be included to tie it together and seal the deal. We know you are always  looking for the reward/treat (ie sex) and we will give it to you more with this key info! 😉


to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

Enough said.


And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

Enough said.


The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself.

Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

If she does not want it… encourage it. Almost demand it. It will make her feel better knowing you want her to enjoy herself…just for godsakes do not try to do this only when it’s good for you…. and if it gets you out of say going to your in-laws to do something you refuse to do. Let her have some no stings attached, choose what you want to do…. when you feel like doing it…. and be happy for her!

If she thinks its a chore to help her parents clean the garage before they move…. no not assume that is her “special day.”


you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

You will feel better. She will feel better. I’d be insulted if my hubby  didn’t trust me with his feelings and fears. I’d assume he does not want to be weak with me and I’m not good enough to let go of his heart and trust that I would never hurt him. I would then think its not safe to trust him with my fears and feelings…

Women look into shit way too much… way!


If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHINGEspecially those things you don’t want to share.

It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light.

DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

True. Men do this more than women. But as a woman I can honestly say I’m guilt. Very guilty of the above. It takes a lot to trust someone with this. Especially when you have had the trust broken anyone worse if its by him.


The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship.

Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

I like the sound of this… Great advice!


Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back.

FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

That sounds easier said than done. The first thing that comes to my mind is cheating. Cheating is a hard hard thing to imagine let alone forgive… and immediately. This one is tough. You can’t just forgive. Forgiving says no consequences. No consequences in a relationship is bad. If its not too bad forgive otherwise I’d say address it immediately and talk about how it could be corrected and avoided in the future. Repeat and careless repeats are bad…. or lazy. Either no good!


In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

* * *

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

It’s kind of sad to think some people will fail and fail hard before they see what they lost and then make the changes. It’s great that they see their wrongs but it sucks too. It sucks that they seen it so late and someone else received the pain of their stubborn ways.

Its like a spit in the face. I couldn’t be this man for you but this lady I’m all over it… thanks for teaching me to man up for her. Ouch! Life sucks like that sometimes.

I’m sure it sucks just as much in the other view as well… watching your wifey that you love and thought would never leave… walk away with a better man. I guess it all hurts… whos worth the hurt is the question!

The other version blog post will follow… soon! 🙂 

How young is too young? Can I get a confession in here…

Hey bloggity blog world, I have a question to ask you?!

At what age is too young to engage in sexual activity? What makes it too young? What makes it wrong, considering all involved are similar ages and consensual for both parties?

We all know the consequences from sex. What about adding a consequence into the mix. Do you still feel the same way?

Sex makes babies and giving a women has to decided what’s best for her and her body.. what happens when sex makes a baby? When is it too young? Life allows it to happen, it does not make it right, but what’s your thoughts on the porous of a young woman conceiving a child so young? Women typically can have a baby long before actually becoming a woman. In fact it seems that the female body is evolving to began the process of being able to conceive a child much sooner than in the past.

We (humans) live longer now you’d think since we no longer have to have a baby while still a baby our self. Life seems to mirrored things in the other direction.

I just wonder why? Why would life let become equipt to make a baby when we are so young still, when today we live much longer than ever before. Out bodies still not even fully grown and having the urges signaling the brain to make a child who is obviously larger in comparison to a woman who is older and better made to handle the obvious?


Third Date Home…. Run

I’ve had my head up my own ass for so long; I think I have lost touch with reality. My man and I have had our fair share of troubles and been on again off again for as long as we were, well, we…

There were a few times when we split up real good and I doubted we would patch things up… so I don’t think I’m so out of touch with the real single world. Although, I do have quirky ways and fail to give a shit about, um well, any other way.

Including this:

One two three… gimme some…

I notice that many dating people have a general ‘rule of thumb’ about getting laid.

Okay so it’s not 1920, people live longer, and choose to live life more freely. Most are going to school, so careers take top priorities.

The entire settling down thing, marriage and starting a family, happens much later than ever before.

So it’s understandable, almost everyone will not wait around for that, remain a virgin until they find a mate. After all we could be talking forty-something.

But I’m talking about those on the reverse end. Those who neither want to commit or wait. I hear the normal rule of thumb for guys to expect to get some from his lady acquaintance, is just mere 3 dates. How well could you know someone by three dates? Unless your dates are long vacations it’s likely not very well.

Just for the record, guys we like sex too!

However common sense says when you have sex with more than one person in a short time, they too are likely also having sex with more than one in a short time. Rinse and repeat. Then we are talking about more than just having sex with the whole damn team… I’m saying you’re getting laid with the whole fucking crowd.

And well, three’s a crowd. You can’t tell me one of those people watching the game isn’t infected with something… And it’s just about how well the condom was used (and is being about to be used)… and which obstacle-course did your partner go on to determine if the link occurred before or after her encounter.

Sex isn’t hott when it burns to pee. She’s not so pretty with the bugs in her snatch. Your nuts aren’t worth the extra boil you have next to your nuts.

I just can’t respect a man that cannot respect himself [or me] enough to get to know someone before expecting to sleep with someone. No matter how long that is…

And no, three dates is not enough time to get to know someone. Yes sometimes it happens, but these guys are seriously thinking hey this is the third date; I’m fixin to get some. Ick.

This means he expects it from every single date by the third date… and let’s face the truth here: A women that’s doable after just three dates is not doable wifey material to him. He’s just there for sex!

My advice to the third date home– runners is to stop playing the “game” where you win some, you lose some… and go ‘get some’ with the money you paid in dates (to pay for your non call girl) and seal the deal no-matter-what!

Really that’s all it’s about, you know it! You want some and you’re paying her slyly (in dates), assuming she wanted to share her time and cut of her [call girl] money hanging with your ass, assuming you will get your rocks off by the third date.


Greedy Self Diagnosis Needed

DSM III made psychiatric diagnosis interesting and accessible to the general public. More than a million copies of each edition have been sold -more to ordinary people than to mental health professionals. The widespread appeal of the DSM is in its clear definitions that allow people to make self diagnosis in themselves and family members.. For the most part, this has been a useful contributor to self knowledge and to early identification and treatment. But it can also be overdone and inevitably leads to overdiagnosis in the hands of non-clinicians.

A blog entry by: Psychology Today in June 2010

If more professionals would do their job (maybe even buy and read the book) and spend more time with the less patient, instead of less time with more patients… They would really be able to listen to their patient instead (being a good doc, not the greedy one) writing an Rx or making another overpriced appointment to fill your pockets.

Then MAYBE ordinary people wouldn’t feel the need to go above their head and find out the source them self.


Last night, we had sex.

He’s the one that wanted to have sex. I was feeling dull in that area last night. The past week or two he’s been the one initiating the sex.

Not a big deal, I just been feeling a little odd or off with him. Last night I can tell he was wondering what the fuck, because I distant and it was not really enjoyful to me at all.

I can’t pin point exactly what the problem is… but I have a few clues.

First off, unlike others my needs (or lack of needs) are much different that others.

I’m human, I have needs. BUT I’ve been hurt and I have the ability to shut off needs to protect myself.  I have an overactive mind and I see the world differently than others. Everything is visual. It’s overwhelming, especially when it never stops.

I have trouble making sense of the world and others. My mind does not pick up on subtle things or sarcasm, among many other things. Each bit of life is a puzzle piece. But somehow pieces are always missing. Their are almost always holes in the picture.

Some times I can figure out what the picture is based on what is available but not always. The reactions I get from others has pushed me away from asking. I choose to not get the facts, because of being shown it causes me more problems and scrambles that I already have. So the info is simply not worth it to me.

Yes this makes me feel low and stupid and yes it pushes me away from people. At this point in my life, I don’t give a fuck. I’m a visual person and I have a blindness. When people knownly keep pieces from me…. I make my own. My picture could end up looking telecom different when I fill in the picture with my own pieces that’s all I got… Nobody in this world give a fuck about sticking up for me. I have to stick up for myself. But again I don’t give a fuck…. If you wanted me to know the truth, you would have made it clear.

I have learned that those people in my life, will not give out pieces or they think its funny to throw mismatch piece for whatever reason.

I need the basic things. Feel wanted, needed, valuable to him. But I have to feel trust, loyalty, faithfulness, and respect in a greater dose.

When my balance of needs are off, I shut down. Before I would have went and got my needs but I figured out that it’s frowned upon do that. So instead of ‘cheating’ (which I do not see it as cheating when its unfair in my court… but whatever, its not right just the word sucks!) I choose to turn that need off.

So when he is not getting a need met. It’s because I’m not getting a need met. No it’s not a game. I could have played a game but instead I chose to turn the need off until it’s available again.

So what need is not being met? I’m not able to have a clear picture. I feel Déjà vu and my pictures still have holes. I’ve patched them and made sense of them to get where I am but anything further needs the actual picture.

Because my holes I have never been able to address the problems. Because of the holes their are still wounds. Because of the holes I can not grow any closer, I can not trust any further, I can not put fourth my all in something I can not see parts of. It reminds in a file in my head as unsolved. The file is large and it effects my performance.

I have my doubts about engagement. I do not feel enough trust. I’ve removed myself from the market before only to find out later he was still in the field. Assuming nothing changed and he wants me to but the same  ring on and accept the same-old same-old, showing me nothing changed. Well then I should relook my feelings then? Because if nothing changed. Then I guess I hate him. All of it just reminds me I’m not very worthy. Not worth of effort, not worthy of sacrifice, not worthy of truth, honestly, not worthy of a decent guy that can keep his tongue and penis to himself. Reminds me he does not value me and that he just controls what goes on without my say…. Reminds me I should run away as fast as I can.

Twisted of me. Maybe but that is the way I work. Remember I do not have to be with someone. I can be alone. Me being with someone is effort on its own. If a person can not deal with me then perhaps they are better off without me… I know I’m better off without someone like that.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m partial to blame. I control myself… its time for others to control themselves and stop playing a fucking pity card about something they are not getting because they can’t do something right. I’m not hard to please unless you are a liar, cheater, abuser, etc… and abuse comes in all shapes and forms…. you’d be surprised.

So while I was riding him I felt annoyed because he assumes things are the same and I FUCKING HATE THAT SAME, and that sameness reminded me of someone else the entire time I fucked you. Didn’t like it? Me neither…. notice the irritation…. Once I get to that point I typically turn off.


I believe humanity evolved without a god.

Hate me.