Blogging all wrong

Once upon a time… venting online was an outlet for me. I never reveled who I was or left clues that could lead you to me. I spilled it all. I told the keyboard everything.

I was surprised to have over 1,000 regular followers leaving me feedback, rooting for me, giving me unwanted advice. Those strangers knew everything about me. More than anyone I faced day-to-day.

I never intended to have readers. I assumed I was boring and nothing entertaining could come about my day. I was so wrong! Lots of people found my drama filled day-to-day life and ranting’s helpful and entertaining.

I’m leaning more towards train wreak – you just can help but watch! But that’s how I roll. (Really though, train-wreak!) Shit was better than any soap opera you could watch on TV. Best of all, it was the flat out truth. My life fucking sucked fucking smelly donkey cock!

I think I hated my partner and I’m pretty sure he hated me right back. I gritted my teeth and tried to be happy. I tried to tell myself: he was not cheating… When I knew it was happening but the quack, I mean, therapist that I had been seeing told me I was mentally ill and had trust issues that were not valid, he was in fact – a terrific guy. I think she may have been sucking his cock secretly. I mean, I think she was mentally ill!

I opened up about my wishful thinking that I could go back and mingle with the men who made me feel wanted once again. I was far too chicken shit to actually just do it… although I had really hoped to grow the nuts to wise up and kick him in the nuts with a better than him version of nothing short of amazing fucking man. But I didn’t sell myself out like that, though I was pissed enough to!

I had plotted openly about my plans to leave him. How I wanted to move on. How I craved another man’s affection. I was extremely, um yeah, board. My confidence was shot and wounded but far from gone. I knew what I could get and that kept me going! He was blind though he never saw that I could pull someone great and live my fairy-tale. I expressed how (and why) I could look in the eyes of someone I made a child with I how I aimlessly wanted someone completely different from who he was. I was beyond unsatisfied in life. Drastic changes where in store. I was counting down the days. Then suddenly, I announced that I had accidentally conceived a love/hate  child (love child/hated him) and feel off the face of the earth.

Well what happened is I got really sick. I mean, really fucking sick.  So I gave the douche a chance. Yeah of course, he blew it, big time and regardless of who he is today, I can say douche because um well, it was a fact, at the time anyway! At that point, he had in fact become one of the most well-known dickheads in the history of my life. He was oblivious to the fact, of being a lying sac of human waste that didn’t deserve me one bit.

Bitter, Nah… But I can’t change it. I was pregnant and the mother of his child and he treated me like some random cunt, bros before hoes, bitch… Its life, it left me with unsettled feelings that must be addressed but I wouldn’t change it. Though I secretly wish I would have evened the score, although it would have only been pure revenge.

I would not call him any of that now.  But after I had the baby, I left his ass and he decided to made improvements during the 2 years I openly hated him.

Because we have kids I was forced to see him. 

Life has its ups and down, twists and turns. I’m back here again.

If I’m going to make anything work I can’t bash them or talk to the family and friends about him, or us. Fuck, I still haven’t even yet gotten to the point where I can open up and tell him shit.

So yeah, I have issues… but don’t we all?! I thought I had life all figured out but then it changed on me.

I’m not ready for marriage and I’m not ready to say I do to this man or any other at this time.

I have a lot built up in me that needs to come out. I’m at a mostly happy place in life but I feel I can be and do better with my deck of cards. I plan to explore myself more to be the best me I can be, FOR ME!

Those who are worth can come around for the ride. But this ride (or blog) is merely a window. I do not expect anyone to look inside it (to read contents) but the shades are open so it’s possible.

That possibility keeps me going… I live for that risk. I fucking love risks. In life, I’m known as a more responsible, sensible person – but inside I wanna flip the fuck out of my shell… Do whatever I want whenever I fucking wanna do it! 😉


About Me

Mom of 3, Sorta Wifey, Daughter, Mommy's Girl, Aspie Read more:

Posted on August 19, 2013, in Me, Me & Him, Past, Past Present Future, Thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.


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