I need an outlet. Hopefully, this will help me get things out!

I’m a 31 year old mother of three.

I have a long term on-again/off-again boyfriend.

I’d like to think, I’m independent. However, due to my severe anxiety that has turned into more of an isolation than independence.

When I was 30 years old, and still having a difficult time with Bart (my oldest child, not his real name); my mom decided to disclose to me that she was told, when I was little, I was slightly autistic and needed special classes at school, years ago.

I knew, I was in special classes. I knew I was different. But I was never able to connect the dots, why or how, I was different.

It was confusing to me to that I was able to noticed – I never fit in – but not noticing what was making me so different that I was unable to successfully fit in.

I watched my peers and studied them and their behavior… and attempted to mimic things they were doing. That too ended in failure and probably made me look more creepy!

By the time I was a teenager, I gave up… I was different… I didn’t get why, let alone know how to fix it.

I decided that I would just easy up, some of the sadness and loneliness… with my new best friends for the next several years. Mr. Weed and Ms. Alcohol.

I had also decided if I were going to be looked at as different, it would defiantly be on my terms… I’d choose my weird deference and not let others choose it for me! I choose sweet girl next door, gone bad, bad ass rebel bitch!

I worked well for me. I mastered and owned the role, that I choose.

Later, I finally found a piece of myself… and being alone was more acceptable and preferred.

Since having my son, at 17 years old, I mastered a new role as single mommy. Then later met a guy [known here as: Homer] that I left me with feelings – I’d never had with anyone else.

After the newness wore off, me and this guy had our ups and down. I felt many emotions over the years. Together we had two little girls [known here as: Lisa & Maggie] and he has since taken my son [known here as: Bart] under his wing as his own little man.

It’s not an easy role. It’s not the role I choose, I just stumbled on it, and been trying to rock it, ever since.

I’ve always had issues (that I was told were linked to my heart) like randomly passing out and injuring myself… I have a small warning, at best, before lights out. I feel thirsty, hot and cold mixed together. Clammy and I get very pale. It last only moments but leaves me with damaging effects if I am not able to brace myself in time. I have learned some of the triggers that cause this. Stress is one reason, sex sometimes causes it, going to long with out food or drink and doing ANYTHING, but mostly its involved with overworking myself (something someone else can do without breaking a sweat) and by exercising. Something simple like bending over and standing back up. Tilting my head below my heart will also trigger it and huge 1/2 spinning (Going down a line emptying trash cans 1/2 spin at each spot) sure way to turn my lights out.

Not every time will things cause a trigger. But its random. No other obvious clues are given. Also some times lights go out almost all the way but just before falling they are turned back on. This leaves me stumbling and I’m very weak after but their is no way to know for sure if I can stand or not. Some times I fight with the triggers so often in a short period of time that its impossible for me to stop and brace for each. I work through them and when one takes over I’ve missed my window to brace. I have scares and had lots of injuries because of this. It’s not normal I know but I’ve seen specialist and their are not many options given  to me.

My son has a milder form of Autism and feel under the term PDD-NOS. He was abused at preschool by a teacher assistant. We went through years and years of asking for help with him. He was misdiagnosed, overlooked, and feel through every fucking crack along the way. When he was 12 we finally met the most kick ass counselor/caseworker who start working with us days before I found out about my autistic past. She saw it right away. Got him set up to be tested. Held my hand every step of the way getting him Dx, and getting an IEP set up for him at school, and help us find and get him into a school that will help him. Amazing. I flipping love this women!

My oldest daughter [Lisa] has a severe peanut allergy to the slightest traces of peanuts. When she was younger she was having mini seizures which I was told by her (asshole, that also didn’t notice my sons autism even with numerous visits of me saying something was not right.) doctor were just her being a drama queen. Drama does not cause pale skin, cold, clammy skin, blue lips, randomly passing out, falling to the ground lethargic. I believe she too has the same issue my youngest has. I also suspect that my son and I also have it too and that is where the autism comes into play at.

My youngest daughter, [known here as: Maggie], has a metabolic disorder that nearly killed her when she was 2 months old. We could not let the child, that was never happy, cry or we would end up back in the hospital with her.

She has gotten much better as she’s gotten older. But she must keep food in her at all times. So she gets spoiled for her own health. The best doctor in the world took care of my baby. He lead many researches and tough others to be as good as him. He saved my babies life and I owe him.  He also opened the door to the possibilities that the rest of us struggle with, health wise.

  1. I like your attitude :*


Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: