Category Archives: Me & Him

Hiccup, Bless You, Thanks.

Life full speed as an untreated Aspie is chaos at its best. I can be very A.D.D. like: I’m here, I’m there, catch me, catch me, if you please.

Fart. Burp. Sneeze.

Next.

Its simi-thought-out and serves a purpose. I may not always be able to tell you how it’s useful but to me it’s all useful if I cared enough to master or tackle the sparkly things that catch my eye.

My man friend or somewhat partner in crime likes to joke with me about sex or lack of sex once a month. He heard a joke from one of the Blue Collar Comedy men that included a bit about not closing the entire amusement park because one ride is not functioning and he stands outside the gate saying well the log ride works… So yeah he took the line and every month he asks, sort of jokingly, if the log ride is open. Well this month I took him for a ride. Not the ride he was expecting but I let him know that the part was not closed.

open

That’s right. I’m not broken. No maintenance was being performed. My ride was functioning perfectly fine, thank you.

WHAT! He exclaimed wondering why I had not started my period yet. I could hear the squirmy fear in his voice like, oh fuck are you pregnant?! Ahahaha on a side note: it’s fucking funny watching a guy squirm with that thought. Like they cared when they busted and it’s not like they are going to have anywhere near the consistences from it as, ahem , SHE would! Reason 4,286,978 why men suck! Joking, well… sort of.

Well I was on my period but a period is just part of everyday life for us. One week out of every fucking month we deal with it. Learning that I’m an Aspie, for lack of better term, has explained many why’s for me. One of those is why I have so many sensory issues. Like touch and taste which play a HUGE HUGE HUGE role in sex.

Well dear, I do not like the texture or taste that you cock leaves in my mouth. It also leaves my mouth and lips feeling itchy and somewhat hurts for lack of other words to explain. No offense to you. All cocks are yucky to me.

* I assume he will scratch his head and wonder why I have willingly done this in the past.*

Yes dear, just like every other thing I do… it was a process that involved me hyper focusing, researching, and really getting into my obsessive topic. I’m sorry you were just a temporary obsession…. Like every other topic, I got board and my true non-excited feelings flooded the fun and it became problematic once again.

You see I’m only in the mood to taste and feel your cock with my mouth when

I’M IN THE MOOD. It takes a lot and it’s pretty much rare like when the sun, moon, and stars line up, just so. It’s one of those take it or leave it things. So if I go down there, just be happy and enjoy while it lasts! Feeling forced or pressured makes me turned off – in other sexual ways. So that wouldn’t be wise. It would be one of those things I’d shut down for, you’d get once and never again, and wonder where I went and where the hell I took all the sex, ya know! 😉

So back on topic. Periods are not an out of order sign. I like to get off too. I’m okay with you not wanting to have sex when I’m on my period but to suggest I please you because I’m yucky is rather yucky too. It makes me feel like I need to watch my back and guard my heart. I feel like if I do it I’ll end up shutdown and both of us unhappy in the long run. Or I don’t… Then you stray off.

I’m sure its probably my past variances biting me in the ass for being on the spectrum and trusting people I should not have trusted. But to me it has to be complex and much deeper and better thought out for all the outcomes.

I don’t want him to not tell me things but to understand I’m all about pleasing him, when I can. I don’t want him to be uncomfortable, pleasing me. Which is a big thought for me that is not a natural human feeling it has been self tough and always takes me some self reminding to consistently keep. So I expect this in return, exotically since I’m aware this is a totally natural born with human trait he was born with. If I can do it then so can he! 🙂

So I can’t suck your cock today I can have sex with you. But you think its yucky!

I teased him after he said it was gross and questioned (jokingly) how the fuck he could be a man, play in mud, get all dirty and yucky and a little period could gross him out so much!

So he went to work and asked his friend. The following day he asked me if the log ride is open. Nope its not but the rest of the park is, I said. He looked sad and said he asked his friend at work about that.

And I give a fuck about your friend why? I’m not fucking him! 😛

He told me his friend said he would consider it if he was horny BUT probabl

y not in the bed or anything. He said for sure in the shower. My guy said he agreed but his woman wouldn’t do it in the shower, she (meaning me) only likes get in wash and get out.

OK this makes me laugh my ass off. So yeah its sort of true. I do get in, wash, and get out. Don’t we all?

I don’t know what thing… but its a thing. Its sameness an order, something about its not in the rules to do that, mixed with sensory issues. Sex in the shower is distracting in a bad way. My face gets wet and water in my eyes will bother me. I do not normally complain about these. I’m a grown up and it’s whining at my age to even say them… BUT at the same time I dislike them so much I avoid them at  all cost. I my showers and being wet need to be controlled or I’m physically unhappy and causing me to be mentally unhappy. How can I be sexually happy when so much unhappy is going on in the shower!?! It’s funny and pathetic but it is what it is!

Oh and my new hyper focus obsession, for now anyway, is RH negative blood type. Amazing!

Confessions

Last night, we had sex.

He’s the one that wanted to have sex. I was feeling dull in that area last night. The past week or two he’s been the one initiating the sex.

Not a big deal, I just been feeling a little odd or off with him. Last night I can tell he was wondering what the fuck, because I distant and it was not really enjoyful to me at all.

I can’t pin point exactly what the problem is… but I have a few clues.

First off, unlike others my needs (or lack of needs) are much different that others.

I’m human, I have needs. BUT I’ve been hurt and I have the ability to shut off needs to protect myself.  I have an overactive mind and I see the world differently than others. Everything is visual. It’s overwhelming, especially when it never stops.

I have trouble making sense of the world and others. My mind does not pick up on subtle things or sarcasm, among many other things. Each bit of life is a puzzle piece. But somehow pieces are always missing. Their are almost always holes in the picture.

Some times I can figure out what the picture is based on what is available but not always. The reactions I get from others has pushed me away from asking. I choose to not get the facts, because of being shown it causes me more problems and scrambles that I already have. So the info is simply not worth it to me.

Yes this makes me feel low and stupid and yes it pushes me away from people. At this point in my life, I don’t give a fuck. I’m a visual person and I have a blindness. When people knownly keep pieces from me…. I make my own. My picture could end up looking telecom different when I fill in the picture with my own pieces that’s all I got… Nobody in this world give a fuck about sticking up for me. I have to stick up for myself. But again I don’t give a fuck…. If you wanted me to know the truth, you would have made it clear.

I have learned that those people in my life, will not give out pieces or they think its funny to throw mismatch piece for whatever reason.

I need the basic things. Feel wanted, needed, valuable to him. But I have to feel trust, loyalty, faithfulness, and respect in a greater dose.

When my balance of needs are off, I shut down. Before I would have went and got my needs but I figured out that it’s frowned upon do that. So instead of ‘cheating’ (which I do not see it as cheating when its unfair in my court… but whatever, its not right just the word sucks!) I choose to turn that need off.

So when he is not getting a need met. It’s because I’m not getting a need met. No it’s not a game. I could have played a game but instead I chose to turn the need off until it’s available again.

So what need is not being met? I’m not able to have a clear picture. I feel Déjà vu and my pictures still have holes. I’ve patched them and made sense of them to get where I am but anything further needs the actual picture.

Because my holes I have never been able to address the problems. Because of the holes their are still wounds. Because of the holes I can not grow any closer, I can not trust any further, I can not put fourth my all in something I can not see parts of. It reminds in a file in my head as unsolved. The file is large and it effects my performance.

I have my doubts about engagement. I do not feel enough trust. I’ve removed myself from the market before only to find out later he was still in the field. Assuming nothing changed and he wants me to but the same  ring on and accept the same-old same-old, showing me nothing changed. Well then I should relook my feelings then? Because if nothing changed. Then I guess I hate him. All of it just reminds me I’m not very worthy. Not worth of effort, not worthy of sacrifice, not worthy of truth, honestly, not worthy of a decent guy that can keep his tongue and penis to himself. Reminds me he does not value me and that he just controls what goes on without my say…. Reminds me I should run away as fast as I can.

Twisted of me. Maybe but that is the way I work. Remember I do not have to be with someone. I can be alone. Me being with someone is effort on its own. If a person can not deal with me then perhaps they are better off without me… I know I’m better off without someone like that.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m partial to blame. I control myself… its time for others to control themselves and stop playing a fucking pity card about something they are not getting because they can’t do something right. I’m not hard to please unless you are a liar, cheater, abuser, etc… and abuse comes in all shapes and forms…. you’d be surprised.

So while I was riding him I felt annoyed because he assumes things are the same and I FUCKING HATE THAT SAME, and that sameness reminded me of someone else the entire time I fucked you. Didn’t like it? Me neither…. notice the irritation…. Once I get to that point I typically turn off.

I BELIEVE HUMANITY EVOLVED WITHOUT A GOD

I believe humanity evolved without a god.

Hate me.

Promise Ring

Let’s take a trip down memory lane.

Several years ago… 9½ years ago to be exact.

I was walking around with a huge baby bump. My first baby girl was close to being born. [We’ll just call her, Lisa.]

My baby girl was conceived with my [former] love of my life. I say former because things did not go that way. . . He was a douche (in my eyes anyway) and hurt me when – he slept with another woman, breaking my heart into a million pieces.

Read the rest of this entry

Blogging all wrong

Once upon a time… venting online was an outlet for me. I never reveled who I was or left clues that could lead you to me. I spilled it all. I told the keyboard everything.

I was surprised to have over 1,000 regular followers leaving me feedback, rooting for me, giving me unwanted advice. Those strangers knew everything about me. More than anyone I faced day-to-day.

I never intended to have readers. I assumed I was boring and nothing entertaining could come about my day. I was so wrong! Lots of people found my drama filled day-to-day life and ranting’s helpful and entertaining.

I’m leaning more towards train wreak – you just can help but watch! But that’s how I roll. (Really though, train-wreak!) Shit was better than any soap opera you could watch on TV. Best of all, it was the flat out truth. My life fucking sucked fucking smelly donkey cock!

Read the rest of this entry

I have several things I need to get out.

But…

I don’t know where to start – or how to say what I need and want to.

Holding it all in, is killing me inside!

I wrote him a HUGE letter, last week.

But like I told him, I did not send it. I really don’t want to piss him off. He hates when I email him and it was really fucking long!

It’s annoying that I have problems talking about things. Since we (me & him) have not slept in the bed together, talking late at night, my communication with him has screeched to a stop. He knows, so very little, about me anymore. In my eyes, it’s like he no longer cares to hear what I say. Blah! Blah! Blah! It seems that all I do – is annoy him by opening my mouth. » [Note: Not saying that is true, it just feels like it.]

There are still things I need to address… and CAN’T.

When I sit down to write it. The kids will not shut the fuck up. They suddenly want this…. or that…, she did this…, I’m telling…, mom can we… Errr! That shit really fucks with my thought process. Silencing me further than I already am. » [Note: Probably not the nicest thing to say… but they don’t see this and this is my outlet!]

When he’s at home, I cannot write him because he’ll ask, “what are you doing?” Followed by, “oh great what did I do now.”

This makes me flip out with loads anxiety, much like, the feeling I get with the kids, interrupting my thought process. » [Note: In his defense, this is sometimes the case… but either way, it only prevents me from communicating  what I need to.]