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Hiccup, Bless You, Thanks.

Life full speed as an untreated Aspie is chaos at its best. I can be very A.D.D. like: I’m here, I’m there, catch me, catch me, if you please.

Fart. Burp. Sneeze.

Next.

Its simi-thought-out and serves a purpose. I may not always be able to tell you how it’s useful but to me it’s all useful if I cared enough to master or tackle the sparkly things that catch my eye.

My man friend or somewhat partner in crime likes to joke with me about sex or lack of sex once a month. He heard a joke from one of the Blue Collar Comedy men that included a bit about not closing the entire amusement park because one ride is not functioning and he stands outside the gate saying well the log ride works… So yeah he took the line and every month he asks, sort of jokingly, if the log ride is open. Well this month I took him for a ride. Not the ride he was expecting but I let him know that the part was not closed.

open

That’s right. I’m not broken. No maintenance was being performed. My ride was functioning perfectly fine, thank you.

WHAT! He exclaimed wondering why I had not started my period yet. I could hear the squirmy fear in his voice like, oh fuck are you pregnant?! Ahahaha on a side note: it’s fucking funny watching a guy squirm with that thought. Like they cared when they busted and it’s not like they are going to have anywhere near the consistences from it as, ahem , SHE would! Reason 4,286,978 why men suck! Joking, well… sort of.

Well I was on my period but a period is just part of everyday life for us. One week out of every fucking month we deal with it. Learning that I’m an Aspie, for lack of better term, has explained many why’s for me. One of those is why I have so many sensory issues. Like touch and taste which play a HUGE HUGE HUGE role in sex.

Well dear, I do not like the texture or taste that you cock leaves in my mouth. It also leaves my mouth and lips feeling itchy and somewhat hurts for lack of other words to explain. No offense to you. All cocks are yucky to me.

* I assume he will scratch his head and wonder why I have willingly done this in the past.*

Yes dear, just like every other thing I do… it was a process that involved me hyper focusing, researching, and really getting into my obsessive topic. I’m sorry you were just a temporary obsession…. Like every other topic, I got board and my true non-excited feelings flooded the fun and it became problematic once again.

You see I’m only in the mood to taste and feel your cock with my mouth when

I’M IN THE MOOD. It takes a lot and it’s pretty much rare like when the sun, moon, and stars line up, just so. It’s one of those take it or leave it things. So if I go down there, just be happy and enjoy while it lasts! Feeling forced or pressured makes me turned off – in other sexual ways. So that wouldn’t be wise. It would be one of those things I’d shut down for, you’d get once and never again, and wonder where I went and where the hell I took all the sex, ya know! 😉

So back on topic. Periods are not an out of order sign. I like to get off too. I’m okay with you not wanting to have sex when I’m on my period but to suggest I please you because I’m yucky is rather yucky too. It makes me feel like I need to watch my back and guard my heart. I feel like if I do it I’ll end up shutdown and both of us unhappy in the long run. Or I don’t… Then you stray off.

I’m sure its probably my past variances biting me in the ass for being on the spectrum and trusting people I should not have trusted. But to me it has to be complex and much deeper and better thought out for all the outcomes.

I don’t want him to not tell me things but to understand I’m all about pleasing him, when I can. I don’t want him to be uncomfortable, pleasing me. Which is a big thought for me that is not a natural human feeling it has been self tough and always takes me some self reminding to consistently keep. So I expect this in return, exotically since I’m aware this is a totally natural born with human trait he was born with. If I can do it then so can he! 🙂

So I can’t suck your cock today I can have sex with you. But you think its yucky!

I teased him after he said it was gross and questioned (jokingly) how the fuck he could be a man, play in mud, get all dirty and yucky and a little period could gross him out so much!

So he went to work and asked his friend. The following day he asked me if the log ride is open. Nope its not but the rest of the park is, I said. He looked sad and said he asked his friend at work about that.

And I give a fuck about your friend why? I’m not fucking him! 😛

He told me his friend said he would consider it if he was horny BUT probabl

y not in the bed or anything. He said for sure in the shower. My guy said he agreed but his woman wouldn’t do it in the shower, she (meaning me) only likes get in wash and get out.

OK this makes me laugh my ass off. So yeah its sort of true. I do get in, wash, and get out. Don’t we all?

I don’t know what thing… but its a thing. Its sameness an order, something about its not in the rules to do that, mixed with sensory issues. Sex in the shower is distracting in a bad way. My face gets wet and water in my eyes will bother me. I do not normally complain about these. I’m a grown up and it’s whining at my age to even say them… BUT at the same time I dislike them so much I avoid them at  all cost. I my showers and being wet need to be controlled or I’m physically unhappy and causing me to be mentally unhappy. How can I be sexually happy when so much unhappy is going on in the shower!?! It’s funny and pathetic but it is what it is!

Oh and my new hyper focus obsession, for now anyway, is RH negative blood type. Amazing!

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Somedays…

Somedays I feel sad, down, or just disconnected in general, for no apparent reason. My anxiety roars inside my body and feels me with feelings that I can not fully link with words. Other than feeling claustrophobic and stuck somewhere for far too long.

I do not know why I feel this way from time to time. It’s much too often than I would like… I do know that it makes me feel hopeless, pathetic, and confined, along with many other not so great feelings… 

The anxiety keeps me sheltered a lot. The pending shutdowns keep me adventuring in to unknown public places too often. I know being an “Aspie” if that’s what you’d call it… I’m doomed for a shut down following too much public exposure. 

Info: What is a shut-down? What happens during a shutdown?

Once I face too many dislikes, not all dislikes, just some… particularly public exposure, socializing in person, going someplace chaotic (such as a store, subway, best buy, restaurants, a club or bar… etc. Lots of people talking, many things happening, socializing and being expected to behave normal, to remember all the rules and polite things and rude (never say) things, looking at people in the eye, or at least fake them out…. This kind of shit makes me feel crazy tired. Not sleepy, tired…. Just flat out mentally drained, Big fuck you I’m out. Although sometimes I do need to nap I generally just “shut down.”

Shutting down can happen at any time but I tend to only do it when I feel comfortable in my own home or environment. I do not need an OK to shut down… its going to happen regardless. I zone out, hyper-focus on something that soothes me, like numbers, patterns, visuals, did I say patterns? Dot i’s cross t’s! This time serves one purpose and that’s refreshing myself. I’m not productive although I maybe doing slavant things. My time is out of whack completely. For me time moves very slowly. An hour is like 5 minutes. The rest of the world is on fast forward. I notice very little but I do get glimpses during my shutdowns.

If my shutdown is not effective or someone bugged the shit out of me during one. I am extremely frustrated. It’s an awkward feeling. I tell my children not to throw tantrum tantrums yet I’m having a full blown mental one. I attempt to conceal it and think I do fairly well… But on the inside and outside I really have urges that are hard as hell to beat… I want to kick stuff and throw things. I want to paint the walls and run and throw myself on the floor. Slap some faces, kick some cars… Smash the chaos, yell, scream, do whatever…. Its a chaos feeling that I can not tolerate. It’s unbearable at times. Although its not an existing thing. It hurts somehow…. although “hurt” is not the proper word but I don’t know what is. 

I can have mini shutdowns anywhere. This is where my sole leaves my body but does not drift far. it kind of hovers over me or just beside me… I’m not totally on autopilot – but I’m near so. 

I slow down. I do not see details. My answers and reactions are extremely slow. I appear stupid or rude. My brain does not retain as much detail. I feel at risk or like I’m in danger but not. It’s more so an animal like urge to get the fuck out of wherever I’m at… 

I do feel like a prisoner within myself. I’m not a productive person. I can do things but none of those things are income worthy. So I feel stuck. I feel helpless, like a child. None of this helps me any. 

I know big downer right now. I don’t like this part of me. THank god it never last long. Some of the stuff lasts but it won’t keep me down as much… out of sight, out of mind?! 🙂 

Ahhh and the duct tape on my mouth preventing me from speaking more… Man I’m so screwed up! But I’m able  to fake it so that I just look normal enough to be a weird – but that has no validation of being truly nuts but clearly not normal!  

The Misunderstood Child

My oldest child has autism, like me.
This sums up our troubles. . .

I am the child that looks healthy and fine.
I was born with ten fingers and toes.
But something is different, somewhere in my mind,
And what it is, nobody knows.

I am the child that struggles in school,
Though they say that I’m perfectly smart.
They tell me I’m lazy — can learn if I try —
But I don’t seem to know where to start.

I am the child that won’t wear the clothes
Which hurt me or bother my feet.
I dread sudden noises, can’t handle most smells,
And tastes — there are few foods I’ll eat.

I am the child that can’t catch the ball
And runs with an awkward gait.
I am the one chosen last on the team
And I cringe as I stand there and wait.

I am the child with whom no one will play
The one that gets bullied and teased
I try to fit in and I want to be liked,
But nothing I do seems to please.

I am the child that tantrums and freaks
Over things that seem petty and trite.
You’ll never know how I panic inside,
When I’m lost in my anger and fright.

I am the child that fidgets and squirms
Though I’m told to sit still and be good.
Do you think that I choose to be out of control?
Don’t you know that I would if I could?

I am the child with the broken heart
Though I act like I don’t really care.
Perhaps there’s a reason I’m made this way —
Some message I’m sent to share.

For I am the child that needs to be loved
And accepted and valued too.
I am the child that is misunderstood.
I am different – but look just like you.

~ Kathy Winters