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Somedays…

Somedays I feel sad, down, or just disconnected in general, for no apparent reason. My anxiety roars inside my body and feels me with feelings that I can not fully link with words. Other than feeling claustrophobic and stuck somewhere for far too long.

I do not know why I feel this way from time to time. It’s much too often than I would like… I do know that it makes me feel hopeless, pathetic, and confined, along with many other not so great feelings… 

The anxiety keeps me sheltered a lot. The pending shutdowns keep me adventuring in to unknown public places too often. I know being an “Aspie” if that’s what you’d call it… I’m doomed for a shut down following too much public exposure. 

Info: What is a shut-down? What happens during a shutdown?

Once I face too many dislikes, not all dislikes, just some… particularly public exposure, socializing in person, going someplace chaotic (such as a store, subway, best buy, restaurants, a club or bar… etc. Lots of people talking, many things happening, socializing and being expected to behave normal, to remember all the rules and polite things and rude (never say) things, looking at people in the eye, or at least fake them out…. This kind of shit makes me feel crazy tired. Not sleepy, tired…. Just flat out mentally drained, Big fuck you I’m out. Although sometimes I do need to nap I generally just “shut down.”

Shutting down can happen at any time but I tend to only do it when I feel comfortable in my own home or environment. I do not need an OK to shut down… its going to happen regardless. I zone out, hyper-focus on something that soothes me, like numbers, patterns, visuals, did I say patterns? Dot i’s cross t’s! This time serves one purpose and that’s refreshing myself. I’m not productive although I maybe doing slavant things. My time is out of whack completely. For me time moves very slowly. An hour is like 5 minutes. The rest of the world is on fast forward. I notice very little but I do get glimpses during my shutdowns.

If my shutdown is not effective or someone bugged the shit out of me during one. I am extremely frustrated. It’s an awkward feeling. I tell my children not to throw tantrum tantrums yet I’m having a full blown mental one. I attempt to conceal it and think I do fairly well… But on the inside and outside I really have urges that are hard as hell to beat… I want to kick stuff and throw things. I want to paint the walls and run and throw myself on the floor. Slap some faces, kick some cars… Smash the chaos, yell, scream, do whatever…. Its a chaos feeling that I can not tolerate. It’s unbearable at times. Although its not an existing thing. It hurts somehow…. although “hurt” is not the proper word but I don’t know what is. 

I can have mini shutdowns anywhere. This is where my sole leaves my body but does not drift far. it kind of hovers over me or just beside me… I’m not totally on autopilot – but I’m near so. 

I slow down. I do not see details. My answers and reactions are extremely slow. I appear stupid or rude. My brain does not retain as much detail. I feel at risk or like I’m in danger but not. It’s more so an animal like urge to get the fuck out of wherever I’m at… 

I do feel like a prisoner within myself. I’m not a productive person. I can do things but none of those things are income worthy. So I feel stuck. I feel helpless, like a child. None of this helps me any. 

I know big downer right now. I don’t like this part of me. THank god it never last long. Some of the stuff lasts but it won’t keep me down as much… out of sight, out of mind?! 🙂 

Ahhh and the duct tape on my mouth preventing me from speaking more… Man I’m so screwed up! But I’m able  to fake it so that I just look normal enough to be a weird – but that has no validation of being truly nuts but clearly not normal!