I have several things I need to get out.
I don’t know where to start – or how to say what I need and want to.
Holding it all in, is killing me inside!
I wrote him a HUGE letter, last week.
But like I told him, I did not send it. I really don’t want to piss him off. He hates when I email him and it was really fucking long!
It’s annoying that I have problems talking about things. Since we (me & him) have not slept in the bed together, talking late at night, my communication with him has screeched to a stop. He knows, so very little, about me anymore. In my eyes, it’s like he no longer cares to hear what I say. Blah! Blah! Blah! It seems that all I do – is annoy him by opening my mouth. » [Note: Not saying that is true, it just feels like it.]
There are still things I need to address… and CAN’T.
When I sit down to write it. The kids will not shut the fuck up. They suddenly want this…. or that…, she did this…, I’m telling…, mom can we… Errr! That shit really fucks with my thought process. Silencing me further than I already am. » [Note: Probably not the nicest thing to say… but they don’t see this and this is my outlet!]
When he’s at home, I cannot write him because he’ll ask, “what are you doing?” Followed by, “oh great what did I do now.”
This makes me flip out with loads anxiety, much like, the feeling I get with the kids, interrupting my thought process. » [Note: In his defense, this is sometimes the case… but either way, it only prevents me from communicating what I need to.]