MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…
Great this guy is divorced. Love is “loved” as in pas-tense.
How could this be advice. Unless the first thing is: Don’t listen to me. The end.
1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted.
When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
Ok so he knew something. I’m willing to bet the rest will not be so great.
2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife.
Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
Ahhh ok I get it now, this advice is more like don’t be an ass like me and throw it all away. It’s too late for me but you have time… kinda list.
Well I must say, as a woman, this is actually great advice! But who the fuck am I other than the center of my own little world!
Women tend to be sort of jealous and want to keep their man. But the moment you step over the line with another woman, um well, in her space, with her man, and her mans heart…
Wifey crosses the line from jealous insecurities… to physco-bitch (2 seconds flat) that throws all your shit out, takes what’s rightfully hers, ahem everything, including your heart. If you are lucky she won’t hurt it too much before she throws it out too.
So like cute internet images would say: Life’s short – ain’t nobody got time fo da shit!
Somebody will love your wifey, if you don’t.
3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.
You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday.
SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back.
Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
Ok ladies, if your man is doing these… you also have a responsibility return the same effort to your man. This sounds like advice of a damn good man, as long as he is actually doing them…
Sure we can float through life… changing… doing what we want…. when we feel like it..
But this guy is right. We change. You and your hubby will too!
You can choose to do what you want. But the best-worse case is:
You just can’t stand the shit your hubby does, you stumble through life – like normal and find another guy. I guy that makes you question what you see in your hubby.
You still have to work and fall in love with him. Build up trust. Find things you have in common. Set the deal breaker rules. Trip and fall. Get hurt, kiss and make up. Hurt the current hubby, probably the kids, spend lots of money, loosing everything you know and love, the cars, the house, the dog, the neighborhood close to the beach with the best view in the neighborhood, including some friends…. The other guy probably has an ex and a couple kids, you’ll have to learn to get along with them. One of them will surely hate you and plot shit against you. You will never be number one to the guy, he will always pick the lying spawn potty mouth teen him and his ex created. Best of all, if you are luck the little liar will not live with you and your new man will be paying his ex half his paychecks so the emo baster can live life better than you.
All that, just to go through a painful loose-loose divorce and marry the other guy. Why not put the effort into the first hubby that you have a history with. Yes change happens. If it didn’t we would be board. Help change it to what YOU like as well. And if you choose the newer, fun option and divorce and remarry… you will still change and so will the new guy. So just do what you promised when you got married and love your hubby and find new ways to love the new him!
[Unless he is a douche and not following this dudes advice.. In that case go for it!]
4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her.
Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.
Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.
The trick your brain – thingy.
It works with most people. If your partner is a fuck face though they will be looking at you the same. I hate when he/she does this. What a fucker I wish… As long as it didn’t get to this bitter point. The other will likely notice the change and in return do more of what pleases you. Humans love rewards and we respond well to them again, and more often. So he/she will also start thinking and acting in the same way.
Sort of like when you smile at someone… then they will notice and smile at the next frowny face sole walking down the street… before long the midweek, hump day, is seeming like a pleasant day all because your smile was contagious.
Of course their is always one asshole that will flip the bird at the sky and not be affected by the smiling sunshine hump-day and the cycle will end. But it’s life keep doing what (good) you are doing… life has a way to make it all work out in the end.
5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER…
your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
I pretty much tell my kids this. You can’t change someone. You are a person and they are a person. Both of you control yourself and not each other. You can not change someone. I as your mother can not MAKE you CHANGE your mind on playing with your sister. I can tell you that if you are not kind you will loose this or that for the day or maybe even, I’ll give you a chance to earn these – but never change or make. Those toy with the human inability to successfully complete. It’s just something that can’t be done. Except it and you’ll be a happier, less frustrated person.
If someone is in your presents make the best of them. Find what you do like and focus on that. But the other out of sight out of mind. If its that bothersome. Excuse yourself until the distressful behavior is more likable and enjoyable to you.
This does not mean walk out of the relationship. Just find another room to do something to take your mind off whatever you do not like.
As long as you did not fall in love with a bitch, and you didn’t convert her into one by your actions… you likely will not have that problem. But I’m sure it could happen but again I would think someone would have caused it over the years. So perhaps you eat what you sew or what ever that is… hahaha!
6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad.
You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
This is very true. For anyone.
7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility.
When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
Not so sure what this guys issues were but it sounds like he figured out the problem was him much better than any I’m sorry! For me anyway!
Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean.
The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you…
DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
Her feelings are not always about YOU. But the fact that you are part of her she wants you to be a part of her and share those emotions with you. You are her best friend. Her soul mate. Her better half! She values you… don’t walk away. Think about how you would feel pouring your all out – and someone walked away…
9) BE SILLY…
don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
😀 Girls wanna have fun. Laughter is the map to most women’s key to their heart. Laughter alone will not get you inside but it will show you the way!
10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY…
learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED.
Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.
Women make the list and ask him for his also!!
11) BE PRESENT.
Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
Let me add that this time should never be about sex. She is much more than sex. If she is like me she will void out the entire event if you swoop in for sex. If she instigates it – its fair! (Humans like rewards, we know you want sex all the time. Just once show us you can really be with us, be happy, and sex not have to be included to tie it together and seal the deal. We know you are always looking for the reward/treat (ie sex) and we will give it to you more with this key info! 😉
12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY,
to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT….
And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14) GIVE HER SPACE…
The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself.
Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)
If she does not want it… encourage it. Almost demand it. It will make her feel better knowing you want her to enjoy herself…just for godsakes do not try to do this only when it’s good for you…. and if it gets you out of say going to your in-laws to do something you refuse to do. Let her have some no stings attached, choose what you want to do…. when you feel like doing it…. and be happy for her!
If she thinks its a chore to help her parents clean the garage before they move…. no not assume that is her “special day.”
15) BE VULNERABLE…
you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
You will feel better. She will feel better. I’d be insulted if my hubby didn’t trust me with his feelings and fears. I’d assume he does not want to be weak with me and I’m not good enough to let go of his heart and trust that I would never hurt him. I would then think its not safe to trust him with my fears and feelings…
Women look into shit way too much… way!
16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT.
If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share.
It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light.
DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
True. Men do this more than women. But as a woman I can honestly say I’m guilt. Very guilty of the above. It takes a lot to trust someone with this. Especially when you have had the trust broken anyone worse if its by him.
17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER…
The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship.
Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
I like the sound of this… Great advice!
18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY.
Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back.
FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
That sounds easier said than done. The first thing that comes to my mind is cheating. Cheating is a hard hard thing to imagine let alone forgive… and immediately. This one is tough. You can’t just forgive. Forgiving says no consequences. No consequences in a relationship is bad. If its not too bad forgive otherwise I’d say address it immediately and talk about how it could be corrected and avoided in the future. Repeat and careless repeats are bad…. or lazy. Either no good!
20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.
In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
* * *
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.
Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.
The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.
If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.
MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.
It’s kind of sad to think some people will fail and fail hard before they see what they lost and then make the changes. It’s great that they see their wrongs but it sucks too. It sucks that they seen it so late and someone else received the pain of their stubborn ways.
Its like a spit in the face. I couldn’t be this man for you but this lady I’m all over it… thanks for teaching me to man up for her. Ouch! Life sucks like that sometimes.
I’m sure it sucks just as much in the other view as well… watching your wifey that you love and thought would never leave… walk away with a better man. I guess it all hurts… whos worth the hurt is the question!
The other version blog post will follow… soon! 🙂
Related articles around the web:
- Always choose love: relationship/marriage advice we can’t afford to ignore (silencetolight.wordpress.com)
- Woman Gifts Soon-To-Be Ex with Divorce Cake, Apologies for Split (thehollywoodgossip.com)
- Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage (datingdisastersanddelights.com)
- A Man’s Heart Felt Advice After Divorce (costaricantimes.com)
- If only I could share this post with hubby today … (theempressregnant.wordpress.com)
- The Best Marriage Advice from a Divorced Man. (elephantjournal.com)
According to Evan Marc Katz from evanmarckatz.com men typically determine if a women is do-able upon first glimps. It’s purely physical and has little or nothing to do with the person within the sexy (or unsexy) body.
Men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women. – Evan Marc Katz
The male sex drive has nothing to do with kindness or personality or compatibility. It is entirely based on physical attraction, which we feel instantly with the release of dopamine, serotonin, and testosterone. This is why men can know if they would sleep with you in less than five seconds. – Evan Marc Katz
He also added that men will continue to like a particular type of women until he falls in love with someone else. For a period of a few years he will remain attracted to one women while he impregnates her and helps raises the child to toddler-hood.
Next, I’d like to assert that a man’s sexual tastes and feelings of attraction don’t disappear because he is in love with another woman.
His intense feelings for his girlfriend may lessen his desires to look elsewhere for sex. But once those intense feelings of chemistry go away (as they usually do after 18 to 36 months – just long enough to conceive and raise a young child), his attraction will still spike every time he sees an attractive woman, in some form or another. – Evan Marc Katz
He explained, that men have strong desires to be with other women once the child reaches a particular age… However, they’re capable of control the urges and can still be a good hubby or father if he aware of his self and the natural urges.
The more self-aware men understand this intellectually, and relegate those spikes of attraction to what they are – biologically programmed bursts of pleasure. We give ourselves doses of this pleasure when we’re walking on a beach, when we’re at an outdoor concert, when we’re at parties, and especially when we’re on the Internet….
Men crave variety. This is normal. It’s all about whether he acts on this desire.
Men can admit attraction to favorite celebrities, and still be great husbands and fathers.
Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.
Men can go to bachelor parties, go to a strip club, and still be great husbands and fathers. – Evan Marc Katz
Men were simply made to pollinate the world as much as possible but they also feel that a stable family is more important than having more children with several women. So men typically choose to keep their family jewels to a single women regardless of how they where wired.
Men, since the beginning of time, were designed to spread their seed.
Because monogamy lowers the chances that our genes will survive, men are not, by nature, monogamous creatures. We choose monogamy because we deem that it’s more beneficial to have love, stability, and a nuclear family than to have lots of children running around with our eyes. But make no mistake, monogamy is a choice, not a natural state. – Evan Marc Katz
So why do men cheat?
He’s got that explanation covered too.
His temptations out weigh the value of your relationship, he thinks he’s above the relationship law or that the rules do not apply to him. They put play with fire allowing themselves to get into situations that will tempt them often. They’d rather have the trill than their partner.
But he adds that men DO want love as well.
Simply put, men want love, too. Even if we still like to look elsewhere. – Evan Marc Katz
But are women programmed to want variety too?
Yes, we want variety too! However, we’re completely okay with the same ol’ guy….. just as long as he is able to give them the sexual variety they need.
Which explains why I get board…
Men would be perfectly content having missionary sex with a new woman every night.
Women would be perfectly content with the same man forever, as long as he mixed it up in the bedroom a bit. – Evan Marc Katz
You can read the articular here.