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Confessions

Last night, we had sex.

He’s the one that wanted to have sex. I was feeling dull in that area last night. The past week or two he’s been the one initiating the sex.

Not a big deal, I just been feeling a little odd or off with him. Last night I can tell he was wondering what the fuck, because I distant and it was not really enjoyful to me at all.

I can’t pin point exactly what the problem is… but I have a few clues.

First off, unlike others my needs (or lack of needs) are much different that others.

I’m human, I have needs. BUT I’ve been hurt and I have the ability to shut off needs to protect myself.  I have an overactive mind and I see the world differently than others. Everything is visual. It’s overwhelming, especially when it never stops.

I have trouble making sense of the world and others. My mind does not pick up on subtle things or sarcasm, among many other things. Each bit of life is a puzzle piece. But somehow pieces are always missing. Their are almost always holes in the picture.

Some times I can figure out what the picture is based on what is available but not always. The reactions I get from others has pushed me away from asking. I choose to not get the facts, because of being shown it causes me more problems and scrambles that I already have. So the info is simply not worth it to me.

Yes this makes me feel low and stupid and yes it pushes me away from people. At this point in my life, I don’t give a fuck. I’m a visual person and I have a blindness. When people knownly keep pieces from me…. I make my own. My picture could end up looking telecom different when I fill in the picture with my own pieces that’s all I got… Nobody in this world give a fuck about sticking up for me. I have to stick up for myself. But again I don’t give a fuck…. If you wanted me to know the truth, you would have made it clear.

I have learned that those people in my life, will not give out pieces or they think its funny to throw mismatch piece for whatever reason.

I need the basic things. Feel wanted, needed, valuable to him. But I have to feel trust, loyalty, faithfulness, and respect in a greater dose.

When my balance of needs are off, I shut down. Before I would have went and got my needs but I figured out that it’s frowned upon do that. So instead of ‘cheating’ (which I do not see it as cheating when its unfair in my court… but whatever, its not right just the word sucks!) I choose to turn that need off.

So when he is not getting a need met. It’s because I’m not getting a need met. No it’s not a game. I could have played a game but instead I chose to turn the need off until it’s available again.

So what need is not being met? I’m not able to have a clear picture. I feel Déjà vu and my pictures still have holes. I’ve patched them and made sense of them to get where I am but anything further needs the actual picture.

Because my holes I have never been able to address the problems. Because of the holes their are still wounds. Because of the holes I can not grow any closer, I can not trust any further, I can not put fourth my all in something I can not see parts of. It reminds in a file in my head as unsolved. The file is large and it effects my performance.

I have my doubts about engagement. I do not feel enough trust. I’ve removed myself from the market before only to find out later he was still in the field. Assuming nothing changed and he wants me to but the same  ring on and accept the same-old same-old, showing me nothing changed. Well then I should relook my feelings then? Because if nothing changed. Then I guess I hate him. All of it just reminds me I’m not very worthy. Not worth of effort, not worthy of sacrifice, not worthy of truth, honestly, not worthy of a decent guy that can keep his tongue and penis to himself. Reminds me he does not value me and that he just controls what goes on without my say…. Reminds me I should run away as fast as I can.

Twisted of me. Maybe but that is the way I work. Remember I do not have to be with someone. I can be alone. Me being with someone is effort on its own. If a person can not deal with me then perhaps they are better off without me… I know I’m better off without someone like that.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m partial to blame. I control myself… its time for others to control themselves and stop playing a fucking pity card about something they are not getting because they can’t do something right. I’m not hard to please unless you are a liar, cheater, abuser, etc… and abuse comes in all shapes and forms…. you’d be surprised.

So while I was riding him I felt annoyed because he assumes things are the same and I FUCKING HATE THAT SAME, and that sameness reminded me of someone else the entire time I fucked you. Didn’t like it? Me neither…. notice the irritation…. Once I get to that point I typically turn off.